"Ok guys, this is a serious matter....I wanna know if I'm pretty or not because all the girls in my class are like 'You're prettier than me.'" The beautiful pre-teen girl with too much eye makeup spoke these words on a YouTube video. Throughout her 2-minute entreaty, she makes a point to emphasize how much her peers flatter her.
I wish this was a unique video, but sadly its not. There are hundreds like it with girls practically begging to be admired. Instead of seeking validation that they are beautiful, a few girls take the position of being ugly and hope that someone out there will vouch they're not. Either way, the motive is the same: they are pleas to raise a sense of worthiness based on appearance. There is a difference between the concepts of self-image and self-worth. Self-image is vulnerable to whatever puffs up or knocks down our ego. No one's self-image remains stable throughout life because it relies largely on external things. Some days we're flying high because we accomplished something, other days we're in the gutter because of criticism. Our sense of self-worth can be stable if its based on a healthy worldview. Self-worth cannot build itself on the shaky foundation of self-image. If we do, we end up seeking validation and a sense of worthiness from other people, where we can never truly find it. This is what these young girls are attempting to do and it can lead to disaster.
It is normal for girls in early adolescence to feel insecure and seek approval from their peers. They are transitioning from children to women and social, physical, and emotional changes come with the territory. But a glance at the video comments reveals that they've entered a dangerous realm where anonymous people either flatter them or try to wound them deeply. There really is no limit to the cruelty unleashed on these girls. If this isn't scary enough, there are certainly predators ready to take advantage of their vulnerability.
Girls need to be taught that their worth comes from their loving Creator, who designed them to reflect the nurturing side of his character. There are encouraging Scriptures to consider if you're raising a daughter: Proverbs 30:31 says, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." 1 Peter 3:3-4 tells us about true beauty, "Your beauty should not
come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the
wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." Outward beauty is a gift, but like any good thing, it can be twisted into something self-destructive.
I stare in my coffee cup wondering if I made the right choice. I sent my almost 7-year-old to school in a state of righteous indignation over a grave injustice done to her - I made her wear a jumper. A khaki colored uniform dress with little pleats and a white shirt underneath. Adorable. Her mood quickly changed from mild whine to hysterics when she realized she would be stuck in that dress. Her dad put her in the car and climbed in the driver's side with a long-suffering look as he braced for the dramatic ride to school. Something begins to change in kids around age 7. There's a size 6T, but no 7T. Somehow even clothing companies recognize that the T for toddler days are over by now. They develop a greater sense of moral reasoning, more advanced social skills, and better problem solving skills. Erik Erikson, a well-known developmental psychologist, believed that children in this stage need to develop a sense of competence, which includes more than mom and dad's approval. Instead of just outright accepting whatever their parents say, kids will consider the opinions of their peers. In short, they need to feel able to face challenges in the big, bad world, even if that world is still small (e.g. school, church). Hence my daughter's jumper crisis. According to her, no one teases her when she wears a jumper, but two of her little girlfriends don't wear them. And that's pretty much the crux of the matter. When my child weeps and wails, my instinct is to fix it right away. Take away the pain. But I can't do that in every circumstance. I don't want to turn a deaf ear to her worries (even fashion worries), but if I had given into her this morning, I would have taught her the power of an emotional tantrum and I don't want to do that. I want her to head out in the mornings with the right mix of confidence and humility. A tall order, I admit. Knowing that she will face much greater challenges than feeling self-conscious in a jumper, I want her to be okay with herself because of her worth in God's eyes. She is a mini-woman in training and I am her primary example for learning to be what God made her to be. And since I'm in the process of learning what this means in my own life, that is a tall order for me. Reference: Papalia, D.E., Olds, S.W., & Feldman, R.D. (2004). A child’s world: infancy through adolescence. New York: McGraw-Hill.
